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The only essential to practicing the habit of Forgiveness is a genuine wish for both yourself and your adversary to become whole. Naturally, there are times when we cannot manage this. But we will see that, in genuinely opening ourselves to the power of Forgiveness, we ourselves become free. –Ed Bacon
I have come to understand that forgiveness is absolutely essential to happiness, wholeness, and love. What kind of person would I be if I still held on to the hurts of childhood bullying? What kind of life would I lead if I could not forgive? Forgiveness allows us to move on and be free.
When I discovered that my forgiveness of someone did not mean that I had to be in relationship with them, I was freed. Years ago, I was hurt over and over again by the same person. And, stupid me, I kept going back for more. Like I somehow deserved the condescension. I failed to see how I was in control of my own life. I matured and got wiser, but also I had someone who valued me as a person help me see the problem. Forgiveness, however, took longer. I ended the relationship, but I was still chewing on her critical words. Still feeling unworthy and unloved. Oh, the power I was giving this person, I shudder to think about it now.
Forgiveness became a process. I first had to realize my own weaknesses, my own contribution to the situation, and then I had to truly forgive. However long and hard, it was well worth it. Now I recognize when I am giving someone power over my sense of self-worth. I am independent and strong. A strong sense of self is necessary for forgiveness to happen.
Ed Bacon says that the Habits of Love require us to take responsibility for our own state of being. I am the only one responsible for my choices. I am also not perfect. So I have to learn to forgive myself, my weaknesses and faults, first. I can choose to be a victim, whining about how someone else is responsible for my happiness. However, this is a false identity. I must be truthful to myself before I can reach out to others.
Forgiveness opens doors. It allows our creative gifts to shine forth. If we get caught in the vicious cycle of our past, we get stuck and cannot move on to a productive, happy life. We must take on the responsibility of forgiveness to ourselves and to others. Living a life of love, rather than fear, gives us the inspiration to forgive.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi
Reflections on the Teche 
I’m still learning how important–and how difficult–forgiveness can be. It seems to be a word that is misunderstood, too. I like the point you make about how you can forgive and not remain in relationship with someone. Forgiveness doesn’t mean going back for more abuse.
I had the word abuse in my piece, then took it out. I thought it was too strong a word. However, that is exactly what I was subjecting myself to and somehow feeling like I deserved it. No one deserves to be berated or criticized. We are ultimately responsible for the way we are treated.
There are many people who live with not being able to forgive. I am one of those. My father passed away before I was able to do that. You have such strength and it clearly shows in your words. Gives me something to think about….or maybe write about!
Leigh Anne,
A few years ago someone in my life died suddenly. I was in the midst of an email exchange with him that was very negative. It taught me a few things. One, never have an important exchange through email. and Two, I had to forgive myself and forgive him. The negative feelings still surface sometimes, but I try to pray them away.
I think you can still forgive your father. But you may need a counselor, pastor, good friend to help you do it. It is no longer about him. It is only about you and your freedom to move on and be happy. Sorry if I sound preachy. I may have no clue what I’m talking about here.
Thank you for this thoughtful slice, Margaret. I was moved by Bacon’s advice that we need to take responsibility for our own state of being. That’s where it gets tough, but also liberating.
It can start with the little things. I used to get so annoyed at how no one else would change the toilet paper roll. Is that really important? No. So I just change the roll and move on. Just a small example of how we have control over our reactions. May take some serious self-talk, though.
Learning how to forgive ourselves for “our weaknesses and faults” is such a challenge! I love the idea that forgiveness opens doors and allows to be our own true selves. Thank you, Margaret, for this wise and thoughtful post.
Catherine
And it never ends. I have to keep working at it. My One Little Word this year was acceptance. Some things we have to accept about ourselves.
Margaret,
Perhaps next year I will have my word be acceptance. I realized after reading your post that I am weak, and I have given power to someone else.
There are a few people in my past who have been critical of me and I have not forgiven them. There words have become my reality.
Now I will work on really forgiving. I will also quit complaining about the empty milk jug on the counter and just throw it in recycling.
xo
Pamela
I’ve worked on forgiving myself in the same way I forgive others. I extend deep compassion to everyone, but tend to hold myself to too-high standards. Again, your words are a catalyst for helpful meditation.
[…] Habits of Love ends with this habit. All seven habits (Generosity, Stillness, Truth, Candor, Play, Forgiveness, and Compassion) lead to this final one. He begins the last chapter with the epigraph from John […]