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The first sentence of a novel is the author’s first opportunity to grab you, to hook you, and keep you reading. Somewhere in my stacks of books that are now packed away for the summer, I have a lesson about first lines. The exercise lists all the options that E.B. White had for the first line of Charlotte’s Web. Do you know what the first line is? It’s the best first line ever.
Where is Papa going with that ax? (E.B. White)
I am working on a middle grade novel. One of my writing group friends suggested trying First Five Pages Workshop, an online critique group for MG and YA literature. I had to have my submission ready to email by noon on the first Saturday of the month. The formatting rules for the entry were very specific. I prepared a few days ahead and then hit send at 12:01 PM. I got in!
Turns out that was the easy part. There is no slacking in this group of authors. The expectation is that you will critique the others in the workshop as well. The writing is good. Finding something to say that is meaningful and helpful is hard.
Sunshine, a main character for my middle grade novel.
The first sentence of my novel has changed a number of times.
My first draft began, “Sunshine flutters her feathers on my cheek.” But as I wrote the story, I soon discovered that things were amiss. And I needed to hook the reader with the idea that not everything was quite in order.
Draft #2: “I gather Sunshine from her nest by placing my cupped hands under her fluffy breast.” This is the one I submitted for First Five Pages. I got a comment that it was unclear that Sunshine is a chicken.
I completely rewrote the first sentence to “In the quiet of the morning, before the sun rises, before the barges move down the bayou, even before the St. Martinville, Louisiana public school bus drives down True Friend Road, I usually find a miracle waiting for me in the chicken coop.”
I liked the craft of three going on here and that it has a strong sense of place. I put it on the Facebook page for First Five Pages and got some great comments. “I like it. It sets a mood and tone and hints at trouble brewing with the little word, usually. I did stumble a bit on the town and state name. I’m not sure if you need those specifically right now vs. just saying the public school bus. The bayou gives us an idea that you’re in the south. Great job!”
This commenter suggested the word rumble to describe the bus going down the street.
The current version: “In the quiet of the morning, before the sun rises, before the barges move down the bayou, even before the school bus rumbles down True Friend Road, I usually find a miracle waiting for me in the chicken coop.”
What a process! I don’t think I could do this writing thing without help. I need the advice and encouragement of writing partners and critics. To put my writing out there for all the world to see, I have to muster up a boatload of courage. But I am never disappointed. I often get frustrated and wallow in self-doubt. In fact when I thought about writing this post, my little monster told me that no one would want to read this. I told him to take a walk.
If you are writing middle grade or YA, I highly recommend First Five Pages Workshop. I also suggest Teachers Write which is starting up next month.
Reflections on the Teche 
I love your first line! Definitely makes me want to read more. And I am intrigued the First Five Pages workshop. Thinking about doing Teachers Write. Hmmmm.
I love what you’ve ended with, and glad you told that critic to take a hike! I need now to find a group. I will continue with my school’s group, but I also need some who are a bit more serious. When I took Renee’s poetry class it was so helpful, & I’m glad you tried the online group, plus good for you that you got in, as you say. Best wishes for much more! (Love the picture!)
Wow, what an evolution in that first line, and what a great result–definitely sets the tone and makes me want to read more. I think it’s great that you’re tackling fiction–I’ve been flirting a little with trying on playwriting and trying to silence my own mean little critic who tells me it’s a crazy idea!
I think one of our summer critique groups should be a study of leads (and maybe a fall one on endings). They’re so vital and SO HARD!
Can’t wait to see you next week!
Margaret, I love your thinking process and the evolution of your first line. I am always looking and revising. As you, I look for critiques that push me along, even out of my comfort zone. So many thoughts racing around in my mind after reading your reflection. Thank you for this quick start thinking this morning. I look forward to hearing about your journey.
I love TW and had hoped to do it this year, but I’m embarking on a consulting adventure that will take all my time, and since TW focuses on creative writing, I’ll have to postpone it until…
Love the glimpse into your writing process. Have you tried your first sentence w/out the qualifier? I’ve read lots about omitting them and the impact their omission has on one’s creative writing.
Also love getting the First Five Pages resource! Very cool!
Interesting to read all three versions, Margaret. Each has such a personality of its own – so hard to make these choices. Even E.B. White struggled with this, I suspect?
I love your new first line, Margaret. It’s amazing how we much we can improve our writing if we keep at it. Keep telling the monster to get lost. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!
The evolution of this line is quite a journey. By your third draft of the sentence, I smiled because I had a sense of place and time. But the final draft’s “rumble” and deletion of place name made the sentence sing. Perfection!
The process is so interesting! I love how you cracked it open for us and showed us how the line has evolved through your own reflections and revisions and the input of friends. It is comforting to me as a writer to know that you and other writers don’t just write that perfect draft the first time you sit down to write. I think students really don’t understand how much work goes into perfecting writing and that is why they get frustrated when we discuss revision with them. I am so interested to read your book!
Margaret, I am going to bookmark this post to use as a mini-lesson with my sixth graders next year. It’s awesome!!! I have to say the most memorable first line of a novel for me is the Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, “The early summer sky was the color of cat vomit.” I always use that as one of the mentor text leads when we learn and practice them in class. See you soon!!!!